Well, I've been wanting to write this post for a while, and I think it might even be a few posts, because there is so much that I want to encourage you with.
I particularly want to write this for those who are going through post-natal depression, to give you some hope and to let you know that you are going to make it and everything is going to be ok. But also, to raise awareness for those who don't know what post-natal depression is.
I was so surprised to learn just how many people I know have had post-natal depression at some time, but it wasn't until I told people that I had it, that they would tell me. There is such a stigma about it, and before I had it I also had ideas about what it was that weren't correct, making it even harder for me to come to terms with having it myself.
So first, and this is probably the hardest part, I want to paint a picture of what post-natal depression was like for me. For those who haven't had depression, I hope that this will help you understand the darkness of depression, and for those that are going through it, I hope that you will feel that you are not alone.
So here goes ...
My pregnancy with my most adorable third child was a particularly hard pregnancy. I had some back problems, and at times couldn't walk or sit, and needed physio, I also had constant headaches, although I didn't have much nausea. We were very excited to be having our third baby, but the physical side of it was taking a toll on my body, and made it harder to pick the kids up and all their things! My husband joked, to get the kids to pick things up - that's why God made them so close to the ground:)
I was really praying and believing that I would not be induced again for the third time, and that I would go into labour naturally and continue the labour naturally. A day before I was due to be induced, I texted all my friends to pray for labour to come on, and it was only a few hours before it did! Praise God!
It was the best labour ever, 4 hours and we ended up with our beautiful baby boy, who was 11 pounds 2 ounces! He was healthy and strong but because of his weight the hospital wanted to monitor him and he was put in the NIC Unit, which ended up being for a week, after he was put on antibiotics for an infection. He was so well looked after, but I became so sleep deprived from having to go down to the NIC Unit a few times a night to feed, and not being able to get back to sleep afterwards.
Well, you expect some sleepless nights with a newborn, and really he was a healthy little baby boy. But a few weeks later I was still feeling physically exhausted, and more than that, I was feeling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I could feel it in my brain, a sense of numbness, lots of crying for no reason (me, not the baby), an inability to do the simplest things like cook dinner, clean up, read to the kids. There was no joy in me. But I kept on plodding on, thankful that I have a husband who is so generous and giving.
Ok, this must be the baby blues, I'll feel better in a few weeks.
But in a few weeks I didn't feel better. I felt just as exhausted and so emotional. I didn't feel in control of myself and I didn't feel like myself.
At first it really was a physical thing, I could feel the chemicals in my body pulling me down and it felt like my hormones had turned completely upside-down and were not behaving at all the way they were supposed to. But it wasn't long before my thinking followed my feelings down. There seemed to be no boundary to the darkness of my thoughts.
It truly was a dark depression, and I don't think I'll go into the details of that at this time. In the mornings I didn't want to get out of bed, or even feel like I was able to. The slightest incident with the kids would set me crying and feeling like I couldn't cope. If the baby wouldn't settle I would be a mess, and at times had to just put him in the cot upset, just so I could take a breath. My poor husband was getting calls from me bawling a few times a day, just so he could encourage me, or so that I could talk to someone. He would come home and do the washing and cook dinner and play with the kids and bath them, usually I would be breast-feeding and looking after the baby, so this was the arrangement we had for a season, but I could not have been able to get through it without him.
After about two months, I realised I had post-natal depression. I took the online test at beyondblue.org.au. There is also some helpful information on there. My score was very high. I went to the baby clinic and was able to talk to a very helpful community worker there who referred me to the counsellor. I was on a waiting list, but in the meantime the community worker came to visit me every week. She was a christian lady. And she encouraged me so much. I didn't know that help was available. The counsellor ended up being a christian lady too, which was good for me, because she could understand my life view. It was free to see her as much as i needed to - that was a blessing!
But the big deal thing was, until now, I hadn't told anyone what I was going through. I only my husband knew. It was such a huge thing for me to reveal my weakness to anyone. I didn't know how they would react, would they still accept me, would they understand, would they help me? I told me mum and my sister and a few friends, all with different reactions. But the biggest reaction was that people helped me.
It had always been such a big deal to ask anyone for help. But having post-natal depression made me ask people for help, I simply could not do this on my own. Practical help, like cooking a few dinners, minding the kids for a while so I could get out, these things blessed me so much - and for a short time I felt much better, just knowing that people cared. But it didn't take the depression away.
I have so many things I want to share, but that's a lot for today.
Once I started telling people, I stopped judging myself, and decided that I didn't care what people thought about me, but I needed to be honest and transparent, hiding it would only make it worse. I was surprised by how many people could relate or had been through it before.
Asking for help is so important. You'll be surprised by how willing people are to help a friend or even a stranger in need, if they only know that you need help. Wouldn't you want to help someone in that situation too? So don't be afraid to ask for help. Through being vulnerable with others and showing my weakness, I believe that I've been able to develop even better friendships, deeper and more real.
I particularly want to write this for those who are going through post-natal depression, to give you some hope and to let you know that you are going to make it and everything is going to be ok. But also, to raise awareness for those who don't know what post-natal depression is.
I was so surprised to learn just how many people I know have had post-natal depression at some time, but it wasn't until I told people that I had it, that they would tell me. There is such a stigma about it, and before I had it I also had ideas about what it was that weren't correct, making it even harder for me to come to terms with having it myself.
So first, and this is probably the hardest part, I want to paint a picture of what post-natal depression was like for me. For those who haven't had depression, I hope that this will help you understand the darkness of depression, and for those that are going through it, I hope that you will feel that you are not alone.
So here goes ...
My pregnancy with my most adorable third child was a particularly hard pregnancy. I had some back problems, and at times couldn't walk or sit, and needed physio, I also had constant headaches, although I didn't have much nausea. We were very excited to be having our third baby, but the physical side of it was taking a toll on my body, and made it harder to pick the kids up and all their things! My husband joked, to get the kids to pick things up - that's why God made them so close to the ground:)
I was really praying and believing that I would not be induced again for the third time, and that I would go into labour naturally and continue the labour naturally. A day before I was due to be induced, I texted all my friends to pray for labour to come on, and it was only a few hours before it did! Praise God!
It was the best labour ever, 4 hours and we ended up with our beautiful baby boy, who was 11 pounds 2 ounces! He was healthy and strong but because of his weight the hospital wanted to monitor him and he was put in the NIC Unit, which ended up being for a week, after he was put on antibiotics for an infection. He was so well looked after, but I became so sleep deprived from having to go down to the NIC Unit a few times a night to feed, and not being able to get back to sleep afterwards.
Well, you expect some sleepless nights with a newborn, and really he was a healthy little baby boy. But a few weeks later I was still feeling physically exhausted, and more than that, I was feeling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually exhausted. I could feel it in my brain, a sense of numbness, lots of crying for no reason (me, not the baby), an inability to do the simplest things like cook dinner, clean up, read to the kids. There was no joy in me. But I kept on plodding on, thankful that I have a husband who is so generous and giving.
Ok, this must be the baby blues, I'll feel better in a few weeks.
But in a few weeks I didn't feel better. I felt just as exhausted and so emotional. I didn't feel in control of myself and I didn't feel like myself.
At first it really was a physical thing, I could feel the chemicals in my body pulling me down and it felt like my hormones had turned completely upside-down and were not behaving at all the way they were supposed to. But it wasn't long before my thinking followed my feelings down. There seemed to be no boundary to the darkness of my thoughts.
It truly was a dark depression, and I don't think I'll go into the details of that at this time. In the mornings I didn't want to get out of bed, or even feel like I was able to. The slightest incident with the kids would set me crying and feeling like I couldn't cope. If the baby wouldn't settle I would be a mess, and at times had to just put him in the cot upset, just so I could take a breath. My poor husband was getting calls from me bawling a few times a day, just so he could encourage me, or so that I could talk to someone. He would come home and do the washing and cook dinner and play with the kids and bath them, usually I would be breast-feeding and looking after the baby, so this was the arrangement we had for a season, but I could not have been able to get through it without him.
After about two months, I realised I had post-natal depression. I took the online test at beyondblue.org.au. There is also some helpful information on there. My score was very high. I went to the baby clinic and was able to talk to a very helpful community worker there who referred me to the counsellor. I was on a waiting list, but in the meantime the community worker came to visit me every week. She was a christian lady. And she encouraged me so much. I didn't know that help was available. The counsellor ended up being a christian lady too, which was good for me, because she could understand my life view. It was free to see her as much as i needed to - that was a blessing!
But the big deal thing was, until now, I hadn't told anyone what I was going through. I only my husband knew. It was such a huge thing for me to reveal my weakness to anyone. I didn't know how they would react, would they still accept me, would they understand, would they help me? I told me mum and my sister and a few friends, all with different reactions. But the biggest reaction was that people helped me.
It had always been such a big deal to ask anyone for help. But having post-natal depression made me ask people for help, I simply could not do this on my own. Practical help, like cooking a few dinners, minding the kids for a while so I could get out, these things blessed me so much - and for a short time I felt much better, just knowing that people cared. But it didn't take the depression away.
I have so many things I want to share, but that's a lot for today.
Once I started telling people, I stopped judging myself, and decided that I didn't care what people thought about me, but I needed to be honest and transparent, hiding it would only make it worse. I was surprised by how many people could relate or had been through it before.
Asking for help is so important. You'll be surprised by how willing people are to help a friend or even a stranger in need, if they only know that you need help. Wouldn't you want to help someone in that situation too? So don't be afraid to ask for help. Through being vulnerable with others and showing my weakness, I believe that I've been able to develop even better friendships, deeper and more real.
Sarah, you are my hero. Thankyou so much for sharing, for your courage, for your generous spirit to help others. It is an admirable quality, honesty and transparency, and you are modelling this well to the rest of us out here. Love you babe. Jo P xx
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